Tak. - Mijn NiemandsLand

In a world where everyone worries about the slightest thing – like a large branch with leaves that grows nonchalantly from your ear – it is important to maintain a little inner peace. Perhaps you are sitting at home, sipping your tea, while a blackbird inspects nesting material on your left ear. The neighbors are whispering. The doctor has “questions.” But you? You remain calm.

Here are 5 tips on how to style, flair and most importantly persistent denial can deal with this slightly different, photosynthetically active situation:

1. Say it's fashion

Wear it with pride. Say it's a collaboration with some obscure Scandinavian designer who works with "bio accessories." Pretend that people without a branch sticking out of their ear are hopelessly out of style. Add that Gwyneth Paltrow also had one, but in lavender.

2. Call it a medical experiment

Tell people you’re taking part in groundbreaking research into human-vegetal symbiosis. “Yes, I produce my own oxygen now. No, you don’t? Wow. Sounds tricky.”

3. Let birds speak for you

If there are birds on it, use that to your advantage. Say that they are “drawn to you” because you radiate a calming aura. Call yourself a “spiritual intermediary between man and nature.” Give the impression that this is all voluntary and that the birds are paying rent in the form of wisdom.

4. Minimize side effects

If someone is concerned about sap loss or uncontrolled growth, brush it off. “Oh well, everyone loses a little chlorophyll sometimes.” Laugh exaggeratedly. If your leaves are wilting, tell them you just didn’t get as much sunlight this week. Tell them you understand how plants feel.

5. Call it art

Place a small sign next to your head that says “Life cycle: a living installation project”. When people look at you, look back with a look that says “you just don't get it.”

Last piece of advice? Never give in. Not even when you start to change color in the fall. Say it's a conscious aesthetic. Or a seasonal pigment transformation.

You are not a victim of some miraculous biological anomaly. You are a trendsetter. A beacon of photosynthetic pride in a world stuck in being human.

And if people really keep whining?

Just say, “Oh, that? That branch? No way. You’re imagining things. Have you made an appointment with an optician yet?”