There’s a comforting thought that connects us all: maybe nothing exists at all. Not you. Not me. Not this essay. The universe itself? Most likely a botched export from a failed simulation project, running on an overheated quantum server in the basement of a bored superintelligence. In this essay, which exists somewhere between a hallucination and a PowerPoint presentation, we deny reality the way a cat denies gravity: with flair and utter disinterest.